I felt the warm and slimy heap of human – my newborn first child… – being placed on top of me and thought in surprise: ‘Is this really him, is this the baby?’ (deeuuhhh!)
Immediately afterwards I asked if he really had such a strange, big nose. Would he always keep this nose? Those were, honestly, my first words when I saw him. Not very idyllic and slightly embarrassing, I know. (note: in case you’re wondering: he still has a fairly large nose, but the swollen boxer’s nose he had then was definitely just a result of birth, phieuw). I wisely decided not to ask about the rather generous size of the parts at the bottom.
Did I immediately feel connected with my child that I had been yearning for, for so long? Not at all! (apart from his weird looking nose) And I thought that was really weird. Because, hadn’t I always heard other women talk sweetly and lyrically about how they immediately fell in love with their child, who immediately felt completely theirs?
For nine months a creature had lived in my belly. I had felt it grow, I had felt its first feathery kicks, at the end its rock hard poking. And with that, the creature had already felt quite familiar.
But after the birth there was suddenly the strangest creature on my belly. That didn’t seem familiar at all. Was this the creature that had been in my belly? It had to be, it really couldn’t be any other.
Oh how hard I had to get used to my son. Even though he took his place in our family overnight and I couldn’t imagine him not being there the day before.
But as much as I loved him, the real “click” didn’t come until he was about two months old. Coincidentally or not at the moment when he started to sleep through the night, so that I no longer had the hallmarks of a zombie. And especially when he started to show his first convulsive laughs, that felt as if there was suddenly much more interaction. “Wow, look, he likes me!” I thought with relief.
Since then, my love for him and our band has only grown. In every phase of life we experience different things together and it grows again. I know that process will never stop. It’s one of the most captivating aspects of motherhood.
Seven years later my youngest son was born and luckily I knew in the meantime: my feelings for him when he is born will be what they are. It’s all going to be okay. And so it happened…
How exactly will my bond with ‘that child’ feel? I want ‘that child’ to immediately feel like my own. What if it isn’t? Am I going to bond well with ‘that child’? What if it doesn’t? How will it all go?
These are doubts I often hear from my clients, especially when they are about to take the step towards motherhood through donor conception.
With my own story, I want to show that you cannot plan or predict bonding with your child, genetically own or not. It doesn’t have to run instantly or perfectly. It doesn’t have to go the way your friends describe it. It will run how it runs. Fast or slow. But it will run. Really, believe me.
My clients are mostly women, who are rather rational, analytical and planned. This serves them well in their daily lives and their job, in which they are quite successful.
Do you also recognize being rather rational, analytical, planned ?
When you continue that attitude in your decision-making process about your desire to have children, you eventually get stuck. (and i should know)
You can try to break down everything, to plan, to check, to grasp, to predict. An example of this are the questions above about bonding with your future child.
But you’re not going to make it.
Am I saying that you should just blindly throw yourself into a decision to have a child through donor conception? Whoops!
No, I’m not saying that. This is far too complex for that and the potential impact for you, your future child, your future family is far too great.
It could fly back in your face like a boomerang later if you don’t look at it now.
What I do advocate is to step out of that analytical and planned attitude and start feeling, to go down to deeper layers!
Where are those doubts? What do you really feel? Where does that actually come from, what makes it difficult for you?
But also: dare to fully feel your desire for your child, dare to connect with it.
That gives you a completely different energy, takes you so much further and makes you so much stronger in your decision-making process.
In my VIP programme we will work intensively 1-1 for 3 months with tools that take you out of your mental circle.
You’ve been stuck in that for far too long! And you are losing valuable time doing it. Time that you- hello!- don’t have anymore!
Every week I talk to 2 ladies in a free match call. I find that very exciting to do over and over again.
Fill in the intake questions quickly if you feel this appeals to you and if I think we could be a match, I’ll invite you for a call!