Intussen de heel gelukkige ouders van een dochtertje
Na een lang en slopend fertiliteitstraject (met eigen eicellen), kreeg ik het advies om mij te laten behandelen met de hulp van donoreicellen.
Dit hing al een tijdje in de lucht maar toen het besef er kwam dat dat de enige weg was voor mij, kwamen er veel emoties naar boven: het aanvaarden van mijn onvruchtbaarheid, angst voor de toekomst, 1001 vragen over hoe het zal zijn, voor mij maar vooral voor mijn toekomstig kind. Het was veel om te verwerken.
Ik praatte met mijn vriendinnen, mijn moeder en ook met een therapeut. En ze hadden de beste bedoelingen, maar niemand kon me echt begrijpen omdat het voor hen onbekend terrein was. En dat voelde eenzaam.
Daarom was ik heel opgelucht toen ik Viki heb leren kennen. Door haar ervaringen en vakkennis kon ze mij wel begrijpen en op een gestructureerde en eerlijke manier begeleiden naar de juiste keuzes. Het voelde zo goed om met iemand te praten die echt kennis van zaken heeft.
Korte tijd na mijn verhelderende sessies met Viki, hebben mijn partner en ik de grote stap gezet.
Intussen zijn wij de heel gelukkige ouders van een dochtertje. Er komen nog steeds af en toe vragen en zeker wat emoties naar boven, maar ik kan ze beter plaatsen omdat ik met vertrouwen in ons verhaal en in mijn moederschap sta.
Let’s do this!
I am a single mom to be. When I started this programme, I was stuck in my decision- making process.
On the one hand I hesitated to go to a fertility center. The psychological screening and possible waiting times for a sperm donor scared me.
On the other hand, the scenario in which I would arrange it myself with a known donor did not feel quite right either.
I immediatelly got a wakeup call during the first session: the scenario with my known donor had practical, legal and emotional consequences that were not right for me personally.
Viki made me reflect on all the questions I had to ask myself, which made me stand strong in it.
In the meantime, I really feel: I can do this, I deserve this! Even if it is not the traditional picture. Even though I have a busy job with irregular hours. I have so much to offer a child.
At the end of the last session I really felt: “Come on, Let’s do this!”.
A few days later I left for the conversation with the fertility psychologist, completely at ease.
Soon I will start the medical process to fulfill my deep wish!”
I am now convinced that egg donation is not the most conventional way, but that it is my way.
When I started the coachingprogramme I was ‘turning in circles’ about getting pregnant with a second child through egg donation. One day it was a ‘yes’, next day it was a ‘no’.
Now, I see and feel much clearer. I am convinced that egg donation is not the most conventional way, but it is my way. I owe this to a few strong key exercises, including the very strong visualisation that gave me a big shift.
But what I learned in this programme goes far beyond my desire to have another child. I discovered things about myself that changed my life already. From now on I will always take responsibility for myself in the first place, instead of for others. I am very thankful for this transformation.
Sophie* (49, fictious name for privacy reasons)
I got out of my tunnel vision and doomsday scenarios.
We are in an IVF process to become pregnant through sperm donation.
I joined the coaching programme because I was struggling with a huge feeling of guilt towards our future child: do we put our own desire above the happiness of our child, do we make the right decision,…? I was so ‘stuck’ that I could hardly imagine that I could get out of it. But I thought it was very important to clarify, so I would not pass on my doubts to our child later.
By looking at my doubts and desires in enlightening ways – through various exercises and therefore much more than talking – I did get out of my tunnel vision and doomsday scenarios. For example, the family setup did a lot to me. I was going to give the donor – who initially seemed to ‘float’ through the setup – a permanent place. I also went to see the full support of my system, which gave me a lot of power.
Other exercises also went straight to my feelings, where I normally often rationalize things.
A crucial insight was that I should not compare donor conception 1 on 1 with adoption, a thought that I struggled with enormously.
Viki has a lot of knowledge about this subject and provided us with all the tools and information we needed throughout the process, without steering in one direction or the other.
Kathleen and Sabine (*fictitious names for privacy reasons)
I am finally on the verge of becoming a mother!
“I was completely stuck in the decision process about becoming a single mother through double donation: how will I be able to take a responsible decision on my own?, can I handle being a single parent?, am I selfish?, can I choose for anonymous donation?, will I be able to reconcile my work with my single motherhood,…?
These were barriers I had not been able to cross, for years already (I am 45 in the meantime).
During this coaching programme I finally found the courage to no longer push aside my own desires.
This was in fact what I was already doing all my life, as part of old patterns.
But why would others may dream big and not me? Nonsense!
Throughout the programme I started to decide out of trust, no longer out of fear.
Now, I am already in a fertility treatment with a clinic abroad. My embryos will be transfered next month!
I finally FEEL: I can do this! I am really going to do this!
I can hardly believe it, because it didn’t seem possible for all these years..
I am finally on the verge of becoming a mother! I wouldn’t be here yet without this coachingprogramme.
Becoming a mother through double donation is really too far from what I really want.
At the start of the programme I had a very difficult time with the decision to have a child as a single, through sperm donation and egg donation.
By following this program, I have come to realize that becoming a mother through double donation is really too far removed from what I really want.
Shortly after I made that decision… I met my new partner. I hope to have a child together later, via egg donation (the eggs of my donor were frozen after my decision).
I like Viki’s systemic approach! As a result, I became aware of patterns that I took with me from my family system and that explain so much.
Viki’s approach is professional and empathetic.
Also between the sessions she was always willing to give feedback and be in dialogue.
Lynn (48, fictious name for privacy reasons)
I’ve started embracing our new wish.
After many setbacks, we’re on the verge of egg donation.
Throughout these coachings I’ve taken time to think about my feelings, while I’m usually the type of person to briefly skim over those, and move on. I’ve started embracing our new wish. My partner and I now dare to express this feeling, and we don’t feel like we have to “justify” ourselves for the outside world.
Both of us have started taking the first steps near the end of the program. We’ve gotten in touch with a fertility clinic abroad, that we have picked based on the aspects we found most important.
-Esther and Steven (41, fictious names for privacy reasons)
I was able to choose for egg donation by looking more mindly at myself and the situation.
I was struggling with the question: ‘May I want to choose for egg donation?’ I thought it was partly my own fault because I had not reflected about my desire to have children in time.
Independently of that, I struggled with ethical questions and questions of meaning: how far can I go in stretching possibilities?, where are my limits?, what with our age?, …
The difference in desire between me and my partner also played a role.
By going through this coaching programme, I have dared to shine my light on my desire, that was covered with many layers of fears and opinions.
I also came to a fundamental understanding of myself: I easily identify myself with the ‘victim’, the person to whom things happen, the one who is more ‘debtless’ then the perperprator who makes sure who gets what he wants and dares to be guilty.
The moment I got the image of egg donation as a gift dat I could give myself, a lot of things started to move. If there are fears, I return to his image and I think: this is ok, I can give myself this gift!
Also the family setup, with the future child and the donor, had a lot of impact. My conclusion was: as long as love is the guiding principle, it’s ok. I am still clinging to that.
I was able to choose for egg donation by looking more mindly at myself and the situation. In difficult moments, I can go back to those insights and bring my desire back to mind, and this brings me back to track
Viki helped me see the reality of egg donation: a courageous step that requires continuous attention, before and after the birth of a child.
I took the plunge and made an appointment with a fertility clinic.
I kept waiting and waiting to fulfill my childwish. I am single and was wondering if I could handle this, especially in combination wit a busy job with irregular working hours. Moreover, I am strongly inclined to rationalize and to try to get things under control. Therefore I got completely stuck.
Throughout the coaching programma I learned to connect with my emotions and my desire. It got me out of my rational circle of thoughts. It helped met a lot that someone was guiding me in this and dared to ask me ‘hard’ questions,
Step by step, I let go of my inclination to take control. First in small things, but I’ll get there.
I dared to talk to my parents about my childwish and their supporting roll in this. This was a big and crucial step.
At the end of the coaching programme, I took the plunge and contacted a fertility clinic.
I wouldn’t have succeeded yet without the programme.